Sometimes the whole “female clone” joke hits hard in a less than happy way. Sometimes, it’s very clear that we both share the pains and perils that go with caring so deeply and not feeling truly worthy. I want so much to be there for him, to help guide him through this path I’ve been walking since before I can even remember… and I am there, as much as he will allow me to be.
But I am not his primary. I am not the one who makes his heart beat.
I worry that I’ll never be that to anyone ever again. All the men who see the worth in me, who see beyond the tattered surface to the giving, loving, golden heart that is restrained so tightly for it’s own protection, all of those men aren’t “The One.” The age isn’t right; I need a man with whom I can make a life, not one who has already lived his working life and is preparing to retire, and not one who is too young to be mature enough in both his experience and his kink to keep pace with me. Or he is taken, whether in a non-monogamous relationship or a monogamous one, he already has a primary partner. I don’t want to be anyone else’s side thing. I REFUSE to be anyone’s dirty secret. Or the distance is too far… Or I’m not physically attracted to him… Or he can’t accept that I’m a Switch, not a submissive only… Or he wants strict monogamy… Or… Or… Or…
I’m tired. I’m weary of the search. I’m weary of the disappointment.
I just want someone to love me the way I need to be loved: fiercely, tenderly violent, permissively possessive, as bound to ME as I am to HIM and yet as free to be himself as I am to be me.
I don’t want to have to convince someone of my worth.
I don’t want to have to pursue, because that always ends in disaster. I want to BE pursued by a man who knows what he wants and who IS what I want, pursued and intrigued and captivated, held without touch, consumed and burned to ash within it and yet never more solid, given as much freedom as I need and yet tethered to him with the chains of his love and his commitment to me, as he is tethered by my love and commitment to him.
I want to be SEEN, as a whole person, not just as a Sadistic top or as just a massage therapist or as just a masochistic submissive or as just an extroverted introvert, but as ME, flaws, perfections and everything in between.
I want to be wanted; I NEED to be wanted… I don’t want my quim or my breasts, my mouth or my hands or any single part to be wanted to the exclusion of the rest. I want ME to be wanted, and cherished, and adored by one who inspired the same desire, list, adoration, and need in me. I need to be needed like they need each other. I need to have that one person with whom I can communicate without boundaries, that safe place, that sanctuary.
He doesn’t want to lose me. I’m not going anywhere… but as far as any of the things that make up a “relationship”, whether it’s sleeping next to each other our sex or going on dates, until they decide where THEY are, until he decides where HIS head is, I have none. And in some ways, even though I understand what he’s going through more than anyone else ever will, it sucks!
Since I refuse to do the chasing, I’m left to the mercy of those that contact me, and so far, that has been only men who are amazingly interesting but then disappear, submissives, people much too old or too young, people who can’t be bothered to put a coherent sentence together or use proper grammar, people outside this area (New York? Australia? Really??), or men wanting a little side fling being their real significant other’s back rather than an actual connection.
I feel like an unattractive, unwanted leper in this area! You would think that Atlanta being as big as it is, there would be no shortages of single Dominant or Switch men… maybe I’m just not what any of THEM are looking for.
I’m working towards becoming ok with the idea that I might NOT find that one person. I’m closer to it now than I’ve EVER been before. I’ve thrown myself into working and getting to a point where I don’t need anyone financially, where I chart my own destiny (as much as I CAN chart anywhere while working 6 days a week!), where regardless if the fortunes of my love life, I’m secure in my home and my own life. That is a sense if accomplishment I desperately need, to feel as though I have finally overcome the little black rain cloud that has followed me since my 2nd husband left. But no matter how comfortable you are with being alone, there is always that sense of loneliness. There are still physical needs to be met, and not just for sex (though for me that is a big one). The touch of another human being, just to cuddle up on a couch to read together, to hug, to kiss, to feel the touch of someone in a way that isn’t cold and clinical or strictly therapeutic, is necessary to life! Not having that person available is the most likely feeling, beyond any other ache of being single.