Bandwidth Disconnection

Sometimes I feel there is a hole inside of me; an emptiness that, at times, seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. 

I have this dream of being whole, of not going to sleep each night wanting, but… Still, sometimes, when the wind is warm, or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time would lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen.

I don’t know. Maybe I’ve had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it, but, there is no man.”

~Practical Magic

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My emotional bandwidth is completely disconnected today.  I want to give out the signal to those I love… but it is like the signal coming into the router is dead.  My walls that want to keep everyone out are back up, my pessimism is in full force, and I am entirely convinced that maybe I, too, have had my moment of happiness and now it is gone, never to return.  And the reality is, there is no particular explanation for this feeling.  Nobody has “done” anything to me… but maybe that IS the reason.

A friend of mine posted a writing on FetLife that started with a very telling statement:  “Life is an amazing, yet unrelenting journey.”
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Sometimes I wish it would just relent for a moment.  Sometimes I wish that I could just stop the clock, or maybe move it backwards just for a moment, back to a time when everything made sense and I was fulfilled and didn’t question every moment of my existence or my worth or whether I would ever find that feeling again.

I am so tired of seeking out contentment, of striving and failing to find someone who fulfills that deepest need for connection on a level so deep, it fills the cracks in my heart and stops the constant longing and feeling of being incomplete.  
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I had that once, someone who couldn’t stop touching me, kissing me, whispering that he loved me in my ear whenever we were together, no matter where we were.  But he ended up loving his own ego more, and though I am glad to be rid of him, as I am glad to be rid of anyone that proves time and time again that they cannot be trusted, I miss that illusion of being loved and wanted and desired, not just sexually, but in ALL ways.  I miss the illusion that his touch gave me.

Being surrounded by couples that touch, that kiss and murmmer little inner-secret words to each other, that seem to form a bubble around themselves that blocks out the entire world around them and just focus on each other in any situation… the cracks in my walls are illuminated and burn with raw, unrelenting need in the heat of the light of their happiness.  I know nothing about their inner lives, of the trials and fights and petty little annoyances they have in day to day life… but for those moments when I am witnessing their connection, they represent everything I not only want, but NEED to depths of my soul.
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The one who survives by making the lives
Of others worthwhile
She’s coming apart
Tight before my eyes
The one who depends on the services she renders
To those who come knocking
She’s seeing too clearly what she can’t be
What understanding defies

She says I need not to need
Or else a love with intuition
Someone who reaches out to my weakness
And won’t let go
I need not to need
I’ve always been the tower
But now I feel like I’m the flower trying to bloom in snow

~The Tower, Vienna Teng

I know I am loved. I also know that I will never be able to get the kind of love that I need from him, or from her, because they have that with each other.  

I don’t want someone to touch me, to hold me to them, to kiss me or have ANYTHING to do with me in public or in private because I told them I wanted it, because I asked them to.  I only want to be touched, to be treated that way, because the other person is COMPELLED to do those things, because he cannot be around me and NOT touch me, and NOT tilt my chin up to kiss me, and not whisper what he wants to do to me when there are no others around that would be offended.  I don’t want to emotionally manipulate someone into giving me more affection than they naturally want to… no matter how much it hurts to always be on the outside looking in on that kind of connection.

Touching people for a living is a blessing, because I get to help others in a very meaningful and concrete way.  But it is a curse when I have nobody who desires to touch me for any other reason than sex.  I need affection that is not platonic, but that is also not always sexually motivated, that is not only in the bedroom.  I need affection that stems from a deep skin hunger that drives a person’s skin to my own.  I need someone to want to be closer to me because they cannot get enough of my scent, the feeling of my skin, the sounds I make when they kiss me with real passion, and the feeling of my lips and tongue when I kiss them back with that same returned passion, contentment, and love.

I do not WANT this need, because it is the one that cannot be fulfilled casually, and if it WERE fulfilled, it would bring my emotional walls crashing down.  It is one of the few things that I am truly a “sucker” for, one of the few things that I will stay in a relationship with someone I am less than interested in just to be able to keep.  I need NOT to need, as Vienna Teng sings in The Tower, because it is unfair to expect that someone who loves me will have intuition to that need and give it to me without my having to selfishly, pathetically ask for it.  I do not want touch because I ask for it; I want it because someone cannot NOT touch me.  And it feels like that reality in my life has come and gone.

 

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